Introduction
焼肉, also known as Korean barbecue, is a staple of any good night out in Japan. For those who don't know, essentially you cook meat on a personal grill. It's a fun, messy, communal type of activity that can be more sport than meal.
However, there's more to 焼肉 than just cocking your own meat. There are a million different aspects of the event that one needs to be aware about; attention to detail can be what separates the 焼肉 pros from the amateurs. If you just run in all gung-ho, you're not going to make the most of your dining experience. It takes skill and practice to truly conquer 焼肉. Let this document serve as your guide on the path to becoming a 焼肉 master.
Preparation
Before you even set foot in a 焼肉 restaurant, you need to consider a number of important things.
Companions
Perhaps the single most essential ingredient to a successful 焼肉 outing is good friends. 焼肉 is a team sport. Without a good team, you're nothing. You need to choose people you can joke with. People you can be loud and messy with. This is not High Tea with the Queen. This is not a fancy first date. This is about cocking your own meat. Choose your compatriots wisely.
The other major things to consider are:
- Do your friends have experience? If you are a 焼肉 newbie, you'll do well to team up with a veteran. Even better if you've eaten 焼肉 together before.
- How do you like your meat? If you like well-done, avoid pairing up with a medium-rare guy—he'll take all your meat before you consider it "done."
Venue
Almost as important as your team is your playing field. Where are you going to eat tonight? If you have experienced team members, they can often introduce you to the best restaurants; always defer to your 先輩. Important things to consider regarding the restaurant:
- Is it 食べ放題? Unless you're not planning to eat much, or unless you're rich, all-you-can-eat is the way to go, hands down. Note that most 食べ放題 places have a time limit, though it is often generous.
- What style of 食べ放題 is it? Even within all-you-can-eat restaurants, the system can work differently from place to place. The two major variations are:
- Order-style. You order everything from a waiter or waitress.
- Buffet-style. You pick up what you want from a buffet.
Of the two, buffet-style is greatly preferred. The reason is simple: At an order-style restaurant, they control the supply of meat. They do everything in their power to limit your meat intake. At a buffet-style place they can only stop restocking the buffet, which is not nearly as big a problem.
Anothing important variable is the kind of grill. The major kinds are:
- 鉄板, literally "iron board." It is a big slab of metal, usually built into your table, that is heated from underneath, usually by gas. This is the preferred style.
- Gas grill. This is also heated by gas, but instead of a solid metal slab, you have a slatted grill. This is less good for several reasons:
- Fat can drip down into the flames, releasing smoke.
- The surface of the grill is unevenly heated as compared to the 鉄板.
- When the grill becomes encrusted with meat residue you have to get a waiter to change it for you, whereas you can clean your own 鉄板.
- 炭火, a charcoal grill. This is often not built into your table, but is a standalone bowl filled with charcoal and preheated by the staff. They are usually small, and mostly found at fancy, expensive places. I would avoid these. If you "prefer the rich, smokey taste of charcoal" then get your own damn charcoal BBQ grill and do it right.
- Portable gas cannister grill. This is the stuff of pure amateurs. Don't even consider it.
More general things to think about when picking a restaurant:
- What is the atmosphere like? 焼肉 is almost always a casual thing, but every once in a while you accidentally walk into a place that looks like it's run by the Lord of Westchestminsterbury. That's a no go.
- Where is it located? If you do this right, by the time you're done you will be too full of meat to even think. Make sure you can get home safely afterwards. Or, if partying, be sure there are party venues nearby. No one wants to walk around after cocking their own meat.
For professionals only: Try combining 食べ放題 with 飲み放題. It's very difficult to maintain a good balance between eating and drinking, which is why I don't recommend that you do this until you have some experience under your belt.
Attire
焼肉 is casual. Very casual. You will get various juices splattered on your clothes. Make sure you wear something you can afford to stain.
Time
焼肉 is an evening thing. Many places are only open in the evening, and the ones that are open for lunch sometimes offer only 定食. Besides, no one goes power-eating for lunch. Save it for 7pm or later.
If you are doing this in Japan, as I assume you are, another essential thing to check is the restaurant's 定休日. There's nothing worse than getting psyched up for a good 焼肉 session but then getting turned away because the place is inexplicably closed on a Tuesday.
Execution
Note: This 焼肉 game plan makes the following assumptions, with exceptions as noted when necessary.
- The restaurant is a 食べ放題 buffet with 鉄板 grills.
- You are sharing your grill with a single partner. If you are in a group, make sure your numbers are even so that you can split into pairs. Each pair should act mostly autonomously.
- You and your partner are on opposite sides of the grill. This allows optimium cooking efficiency, but may not be possible in some venues.
Rules
There are some very important rules one must observe while eating 焼肉. Failure to comply with them could result in an unpleasant experience.
- This is 食べ放題, not 携帯放題. Do not be blabbing or typing on your phone while cocking your meat. Remember, this is a team effort. Wait until the dessert phase if you must use your phone.
- You're not full until the time is up. You're paying for this, and 焼肉 is not cheap, so get your money's worth out of it. The decision to stop early is one that must be made as a team.
- The heat is your friend. No heat, no meat. It's that simple. If you can't take being close to a hot 鉄板, go get yourself a damn salad somewhere.
The warmup
Note: The two individuals in a given team will hereby be referred to as Person A and Person B.
You've entered the restaurant, sat down, and ordered the 食べ放題 course. From here on out you need to pull together as a team: While A is up getting the first round of meat, B should prepare the 鉄板.
Meat selection
Choosing the right meat is largely a matter of personal preference. I enjoy things like カルビ and ロース, also seasoned dishes like ジンギスカン and ブルゴギ, as well as seafood including エビ and イカ. Be sure to discuss with your partner what kind of meat you like, as many people have strong opinions on seafood and organ items like レバー, タン, and ホルモン.
For your first round, stock up with a little bit more meat than you can comfortably cook at once on the 鉄板. This will be explained in detail later. Also be sure to get some vegetables. Standard items include onions, cabbage, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and squash. Remember kids: drink your school; stay in milk.
For order-style restaurants: Make your first order with impunity. Order anything and everything you think you might want to eat. If you don't, you'll be stuck hungrily twiddling your thumbs while waiting for them to bring you the second round.
Preparing the 鉄板
You may be tempted to just throw the meat on the grill, but that would be a mistake. To avoid an ugly charred mess, be sure to prepare the 鉄板 properly.
- If he hasn't already, get the waiter to turn on the heat for the 鉄板.
- Squirt some oil onto the 鉄板. Use only enough to coat the center area with a very thin layer.
- Spread it around with the supplied spatula. Don't bother with the edges; just make sure the middle is covered.
During this initial period, the 鉄板 will not yet be warm enough for cooking. Take this opportunity to get water or other beverages, white rice (optional), or hit the bathroom if you need to.
When you think it might be ready, test the heat by placing a piece of meat on the 鉄板. If it sizzles at a good pace, you're ready to begin.
Round One
Dump as much meat and vegetables onto the 鉄板 as you can comfortably grill at once. If you've followed directions so far, that means you should have some meat left over. Keep that to the side; that's the "on deck" plate.
You now have a sizzling pile of meat on your 鉄板. With your partner, separate out the vegetables and put them on one side of the grill. Then separate out each individual meat piece and lay them as flat as possible on the 鉄板. As the meat cooks, flip it with your chopsticks.
A point on sanitation: You are provided with metal tongs for flipping meat, but usually only one set. If you are proficient with chopsticks, skip the tongs entirely and just use your chopsticks. But what about all that raw meat juice? you might ask. Yes, it is true that you might ingest partially-cooked meat juice. Yes, you might get salmonella and die. But consider that maybe you'll get run over by a car on the way home, or catch the ebola virus from a guy on the train. Now shut the fuck up and get back to eating.
Pour some sauce onto the meat while it's cooking. This helps make it delicious. There will usually be the standard ポン酢, 肉たれ, and lemon juice available. Make sure you don't use incorrect sauces like ソース or お好み焼きソース. You may also want to put a little sauce on your dipping plate to enhance the flavor right before you eat a piece.
Respecting your partner's space, flip the meat. Keep flipping until it gets as done as you like it. Don't let any one side get too done before the other, as the meat tends to curl up, making it hard to cook the other side. This is where experienced partners really shine. Two guys cocking their meat with a good rhythm is quite a sight to behold.
It's polite to offer the first "done" piece to your partner, but real pros will just dig in. Once you've cleared a bit of space on the 鉄板, it's time to bring in your on-deck plate. Fill in any open spaces with this additional meat. Make sure to flip the new meat as necessary while keeping pace eating the old meat.
At some point the vegetables will be done. It's usually easier to scrape it all together and split it evenly than it is to separately pick at individual pieces. Switch off being the "vegetable person" each round.
Keep up this pace until all of your meat is almost gone. When there are only a handful of pieces left, one partner should get up, refill everyone's water, and prepare the next round of meat. Round two should go pretty much the same as round one.
For order-style restaurants: As time goes on, they will bring you less and less food. Asking for カルビ during round one might have gotten you 30 pieces. Now it gets you 10, and they're slow about bringing it out. The solution is to be an asshole:
- If they're being slow, every time someone comes by remind them that you're waiting for your order.
- If they bring less meat, order another plate as soon as they bring what you just asked for.
For professionals only: Often it seems that they will turn down the heat of your grill so that it takes longer to cook everything. There's not much you can do about this, except to bring a lighter with which to cook the meat from the top. Note that this could get you in all sorts of trouble.
Cleaning the 鉄板
After two rounds or so, your 鉄板 will have accumulated lots of charred gunk. If you don't like the taste of charred gunk on your meat, you need to clean it.
- Remove any remaining meat chunks or large pieces of whatever. Put them aside on a garbage plate.
- Dash some water onto the surface of the 鉄板. It will sizzle up and may spatter. Be brave.
- After the initial flare up, each partner should take a spatula and scrape his side of the 鉄板 clear of gunk.
- The most efficient pattern of action is where A has the small spatula and pushes the gunk from the sides into the center, where B uses the large spatula to stuff it down the garbage hole found on one side of the 鉄板.
- Once the gunk is clear and the surface looks clean enough, repeat the procedure for preparing the 鉄板 as described earlier.
- Clean the spatulas by scraping them against the edge of the 鉄板 so that the last bits of gunk fall down the garbage hole.
The cooldown
Repeat the instructions for round one and the cleanup until either the time is almost up or you're almost going to be sick. That's when you move into dessert phase.
Dessert can either be phased in gradually or suddenly.
- Gradual: Pick up half the meat of previous rounds, and bring back fruit for the other half. For the next round, switch entirely to fruit and whatever dessert they offer, such as 杏仁豆腐.
- Sudden: Go straight for the fruit and dessert items.
Note that fruit can be one of the most expensive things they offer, so try to be inconspicuous about eating it. If you clean them out entirely, they may not restock until after you leave.
Some restaurants that offer all-you-can-eat have a rule that you pay a lot more money if you waste food. Be sure not to leave heaps of uneaten meat.
If you have a couple minutes before your time is up, use that time to cool down. Let your stomach digest. Chat with your friends, take in some water, and enjoy the atmosphere. Don't do anything too strenuous for a while. Leave when you're good and ready, or when they kick you out.
Calling it quits
If you managed to keep eating until they kick you out, congratulations. If not, don't worry, everyone needs practice.
One nice thing about 焼肉, especially if it's 食べ放題, is that everyone pays the same amount, so they aren't hesitant to allow separate checks. Also be thankful you don't need to give a tip.
Afterwards, discuss the meal with your team. Did you get a good rhythm going? Did you all get as much meat as you wanted? Were there any non-team players there that should be excluded from future outings? Only by talking these things out can you form a lean, mean, meat-eating 焼肉 team.
Conclusion
Just like you must learn to crawl before you can walk, there is much to be learned and practiced before you can become a 焼肉 superstar. Even the pros were once newbies who didn't know the joy of cocking their own meat. But through hard work and dedication, you too can rise to the top of the meat eating game.